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    Melissa Febos Reflects on Her Year With No Sex in “The Dry Season”

    The Dry Season is a gorgeously written contemplation on relationships, sexuality, celibacy, and solitude. After a catastrophic relationship, Melissa Febos decided to take a break. For three months, she would abstain from relationships, dating, and sex. Her friends made fun of her for the length of her self-imposed celibacy, but for Febos, who had been in some relationship or another for as long as she could remember, these three months would give her time where she could focus on herself, and examine the patterns that led her here.  Febos is the nationally bestselling author of five books, including Girlhood—which won the National Book Critics Circle Award in Criticism, and Body Work: The Radical Power of Personal Narrative. In The Dry Season, with her trademark combination of candor and vulnerability, Febos shares her experiences during what turned out to be a year of celibacy. As she invites readers into her life and her journey of self-discovery, she goes through what ends up becoming the most fulfilling and sensuous year of her life.  Artful and immersive, Febos has mastered the art of memoir writing, and with each new book, she produces something even more masterful and gorgeous.  We were so thrilled to be able to speak with her about her most recent book The Dry Season. Can you tell us what inspired you to write The Dry Season? Like most of my personal nonfiction, I did not intend to write about spending a year celibate—it was something I chose to do because my life fell apart and I knew it had something to do with my patterns in love. While I spent that time alone, I started reading about voluntarily celibate women throughout history and found a brilliant lineage of folks to which I wanted to belong.  Sometimes I hear folks say that “people don’t change” and nothing could be farther from the truth. I undertook the project of changing the choices I made in love, my ideals, my role models, my whole belief system around romance, and while it was not easy, it was certainly possible. One of the reasons I wrote the book was that I wanted to offer that proof to others. The Dry Season explores pleasure, where we seek it, and when it feels like it is becoming a problem. In our current “treat-based economy,” and in a time where it feels like the world is on fire around us, do you have any advice for readers who are constantly seeking pleasure(s), but are worried it’s becoming more of a dependency? I’ve been dependent on so many things: candy, drugs, people, exercise—things you wouldn’t even consider candidates for dependency—and the realization I always have after I give them up is about the lie that always lurks behind that kind of attachment. Every time, I believed that I needed that thing to feel good, to be happy, to function, and it was the opposite: when I let it go, I realized that it was keeping my life small. It’s a beautiful kind of humbling, to realize again and again, that I don’t know what I need, or where freedom lies. But I have never regretted choosing to set down something I felt powerless over.              View this post on Instagram                         A post shared by Melissa Febos (@melissafebos) As a memoirist, I imagine you have to be quite self aware, since you spend so much time sharing your own story. However, do you ever find that you surprise yourself, or learn something new about yourself in your work?  The funny thing is that by nature I am actually quite avoidant. I would rather not feel anything, or know the truth about myself. I would prefer to just watch TV and eat candy and be dissociated. But the truer part of me knows that self-awareness, and awakeness, is what makes life mean something. Writing is actually my best means of cultivating awareness. I don’t think of it as a pastime or a profession so much as a survival mechanism, a holistic practice that brings me closer to myself, and therefore the rest of the world.  What does your typical writing process look like? How has it changed over the course of your writing career? When I was younger, I learned to eschew the preciousness of my own practice — I like to write a lot, and so I couldn’t wait until I had hours of time; I learned to be able to write anywhere—on trains and planes, in parking lots, in the stolen minutes between classes. Now, I have the luxury of more time and space, but I am pretty circumscribed in my process.  Body Work is one of my favourite books. Among other things, it’s full of writing advice for memoirists. Do you have any advice for someone looking to write their own memoir? Beware of the voice inside that tells you that you shouldn’t, that it’s self-absorbed and uninteresting. That may not be your own voice, but another that you’ve internalized. Ask yourself who benefits from your silence. There’s a scene in The Dry Season where you talk about the abundance of love songs on the radio, and in popular culture, and I’m sure our readers are curious… What’s your favourite song about love, and why? Oh, I could never choose! I am a music obsessive and always have been. Historically, I love soul music, which is frequently about love and contains the desperate quality I love in a love song. I grew up listening to a lot of Otis Redding and Aretha Franklin, and I loved Motown. Lately, I’ve been listening to Lucy Dacus’s new album, Forever is a Feeling, which is all love songs. Gorgeous album. What is something you hope readers can take away from The Dry Season? I always hope that readers come away from my work feeling less alone. I also hope it makes them laugh! I have always been pretty serious in my work and in this book, there was more room to bring in my sense of humor, which was really fun. I wanted to write a fun book about celibacy, and I think I succeeded. You’ll have to tell me.  The Dry Season is out now. Get your copy at your local bookstore. Please note that this interview has been edited for length and clarity. – Ameema Saeed (@ameemabackwards) is a storyteller, a Capricorn, an avid bookworm, and a curator of very specific playlists and customized book recommendations. She’s a book reviewer, a Sensitivity Reader, a book buyer at Indigo Books & Music, and the Books Editor for She Does the City, where she writes and curates bookish content, and book recommendations. She enjoys bad puns, good food, dancing, and talking about feelings. She writes about books, big feelings, unruly bodies, and her lived experiences, and hopes to write your next favourite book one day. When she’s not reading books, she likes to talk about books (especially diverse books, and books by diverse authors) on her bookstagram: @ReadWithMeemz The post Melissa Febos Reflects on Her Year With No Sex in “The Dry Season” appeared first on Shedoesthecity.

    A Year Without Sex

    Photo: Heritage Images/Getty Images In 2016, Melissa Febos was waiting for her plane to land in London when she saw her sitting four rows ahead: the hot airplane stranger. “My seduction sonar locked on to her,” she writes in her highly anticipated memoir The Dry Season. Febos rolls up her shirtsleeves to tease some forearm tattoo and dangles a hand with “short unvarnished nails” into the aisle. Months ago, this kind of overture would almost certainly end up in sex. But this time, Febos — happily six months celibate with “little danger” of a relapse — is relieved when the plane disembarks and the stranger leaves. It’s a fortuitous time for an abstinence memoir. People are drinking less, fucking less, and staying home more. Celebrities from Julia Fox to Drew Barrymore have extolled the benefits of life without sex; on X, a Lorde fan club recently encouraged followers to participate in a monthlong celibacy period to celebrate the rollout of the singer’s album Virgin. Last fall, South Korea’s 4B movement — whose adherents swear off dating and sex with men as an act of political protest — went viral in the U.S. as American women processed the election results. A quick scroll through the news cycle is still enough to dry anyone up. Meanwhile, those still horny enough to brave an increasingly depressing hookup scene aren’t finding people they’re willing to bump uglies with, let alone date. But Febos, a University of Iowa professor and memoirist whose previous best sellers include Girlhood and Body Work, appears to have the opposite problem. “I realized that I had been in nonstop romantic partnerships since my midteens,” she wrote in an essay for the New York Times last summer. “Over the years, friends had suggested I take some time alone, but even when I tried, my sights always locked onto someone new.” In the book, which expands on this subject matter, a then-35-year-old Febos is drained by the end of a relationship so tumultuous she once rear-ended an elderly woman’s car while returning a text message. After one final lackluster sexcapade with an acquaintance, she reflects on her previous 20 years of serial monogamy, realizes she has spent more time and energy on her partners’ desires than on her own, and decides to go 90 days without sex. “It was time to meet myself unmediated by romantic and erotic obsession,” Febos writes. She shares her plans with a friend who has been single and sex deprived for three years. “Fuck you Melissa,” the friend tells her over grain bowls in Brooklyn. Febos is no stranger to the power of detox as a former heroin addict who got sober at 23. Her initial 90-day vow evokes “90-in-90,” popular addiction guidance for newly sober people to attend 90 AA meetings in the span of 90 days. Febos doesn’t frame The Dry Season as a recovery memoir — she doesn’t identify as a sex or relationship addict — but she considers the ability to quit the tiny thrills that compel us, whether they are heroin, cigarettes, or flirting, as “proof of growth,” even if she’s not quite sure what kind of growth she’s after. After a therapist tells her she needs to suffer to make real change, Febos extends her celibacy to six months, then a year. The memoir braids Febos’s account with a running ledger of her exes and short histories of famous celibates she admires, from the ascetic beguines of medieval Europe to the ultrastrict Shakers and the Dahomey Amazons. The final product — which has been lauded as a timely entry in a “feminist Zeitgeist” — feels less like a sweeping cultural statement and more like a small exercise in self-improvement. To Febos’s credit, she doesn’t pretend her stint with celibacy is more radical than it actually is. “I did not give up sex to get freedom from men, though many of the things I wanted freedom from were inaugurated by them,” she writes. “I had given up sex because my life had fallen apart and I needed to change.” The lifestyle benefits of quitting sex are almost immediate, if not all that different from what anyone would experience in being single after a long period of partnership. After a few weeks, Febos finds sensuality in the mundane, such as naps and peaceful nights spent reading herself to sleep. She feels nourished by the nonsexual touch of a chiropractor; she’s “not interested in semen” but enjoys the ejaculate-like smell of Callery pear trees on her walk to a Tribeca book party. Happier than she has been in years, she pours energy into friendships and becomes hyperattuned to the ways sexual attraction drags out meaningless connections and cuts short meaningful ones. Without lovers to attend to, her mind comes alive, as in the episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza learns Portuguese and Euclidean geometry after a bout of mono prevents him from having sex with his girlfriend for six weeks. But there are so many upsides to Febos’s celibacy that her experiment feels frictionless. She both has no problem being alone and no shortage of desirable people who want to sleep with her, from the elegant editor at a book party to the photographer who flirts with her while taking her author photo (“Oh, wow, I should probably do that too,” she tells Febos after hearing about her vow). Febos attends a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting just to make sure she doesn’t belong there; when she leaves, she gives herself permission to masturbate during her celibate period. The low stakes of her experiment lend the book a meandering quality. Febos seems to sense that aimlessness too. “Why was I actually doing this?” she asks herself more than 100 pages in. One of the memoir’s few trials takes place during a writers conference where Febos meets up with an ex-situationship. The woman, who’s drunk, pushes Febos to stay in her hotel room. The old Febos would have given in just to put an end to the maudlin desperation. Instead, she kisses her and returns to her own room, worried she has had a slight relapse and “heartbroken not to choose” herself. Little by little, Febos reminds herself of her agency. The power of “no” is always there, like a pair of missing sunglasses that’s actually sitting on your head. An open bottle in your fridge doesn’t mean you have to finish drinking it. A naked stranger in your bed doesn’t mean you have to do the deed if you don’t really want to go through with it. You don’t hear as much about 4B anymore. Abstaining from sex can be a means of self-protection, but the world is spinning out of control whether we fuck or not. Even in a moment as sour as this one, people tend to find their bedfellows. When Febos’s year is up, her bad relationship patterns conveniently examined and resolved, she meets someone: the woman who will become her wife. Related Why So Many Women Are Trying Celibacy

    “Gross”: Julia Fox Flashes Her Bloody Period Underwear At Skincare Launch

    Julia Fox is known for her bold fashion statements, but this one might top them all. The actress wore “bloody” period underwear, thigh-high tights, and a graphic T-shirt to a skincare event hosted by Mienne, a s*xual wellness brand. She accessorized her look with bug-eyed sunglasses, a lace choker, and a lace headpiece. “With Mienne, the campaign was whatever [I] wanted it to be, and that was so cool,” she described to Elle. “I could choose my photographer, outfits, products, and also take my own pictures.” Julia Fox attended a skincare event wearing “bloody” period underwear Image credits: juliafox Earlier this year, the 35-year-old turned heads in a completely sheer dress with a long wig that fell in all the right places to cover her privates. Julia, who famously dated Kanye West in 2021, said she enjoys going against the flow when it comes to her outfit choices. Image credits: houseofmienne “I like clothes to tell a story,” she told Nylon. “I like them to be indicative of who a person is. I think when you’re jumping on every trend that comes along, it shows a lack of authenticity or identity. “I’ve always been drawn to the freaks, people who dress crazy. I find that those people are more my cup of tea.” In her recent interview with Elle, the Uncut Gems star claimed that she’s continuing to refrain from sleeping with men. The actress said she gravitates toward unconventional, “freaky” fashion Image credits: mselenamilan “I just recommend it to everyone,” she said. “But I am not celibate. I know people like to use that term, and I know what they mean, so I will still answer it. “Celibacy is tied to religious beliefs that I don’t take part in,” Julia continued.   View this post on Instagram   A post shared by Julia Fox (@juliafox) Explaining her decision, the Italian-American actress said she believes women are “brainwashed” into thinking that their goal is to find a man, get married, and have children. “As women, we want to please everyone around us, and [we] put our needs last. But ultimately, you [will become] a burnt-out shell of a human.” She added, “It’s okay to want and feel pleasure, and it doesn’t make you dirty or a pervert. It’s natural, and we wouldn’t be able to feel those things if we weren’t supposed to.” Julia has been refraining from sleeping with men for years, though she clarified she’s not celibate in the religious sense Image credits: houseofmienne Julia initially shared that she had been celibate for more than two years in May 2024. “When you dismantle that belief system, it can be scary and isolating. But eventually, you start to find yourself, and like-minded people as well,” she expressed. She also shared a message for women who believe they can “fix” their partner and change him, hoping it will lead to a healthy relationship. “No, you will not. An a**hole is an a**hole,” she declared. “You are not going to be the one to change him. I am so sorry. Yes, you might be special (…) but you are not going to change that man.” Image credits: juliafox Julia briefly dated Kanye West from December 2021 to February 2022. During that time, he was extremely controlling of how she dressed and her overall appearance, she claimed in her memoir, Down The Drain. One day, when they were in a hotel room playing Uno, the controversial rapper unexpectedly offered to pay for her breast augmentation surgery. “The artist’s words cut through the air, sharp and unexpected,” she penned. “I look at myself in the mirror, taking in my post-baby body. They’re not so bad, I think to myself.” The 35-year-old dated Kanye West from December 2021 to February 2022 Image credits: Victor Boyko / Getty Julia claimed Ye was using her as a “pawn” in a “master plan” to get back at his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian. She described her position as “humiliating,” but said, “That relationship doesn’t define me. It’s one little blip.” Julia shares a son, Valentino, with her ex-husband Peter Artemiev. Last month, she posted a video accusing Peter of baptizing Valentino without her permission and not inviting her to the ceremony. Image credits: Marc Piasecki / Getty Peter’s mother told Julia that they hadn’t invited her because it was a Russian Orthodox ceremony, and they assumed she wouldn’t mind not attending. “I’ve been raising this child alone for four years, taking him around the world with me, doing everything for him,” she said in the video. “You robbed me of an experience I will never get back.” Most people disliked Julia’s “period underwear” look

    I’m So Devestated My Wife Prefers My Baby to Me. She Won’t Have Sex With Me, He Shares Her Bed…and I Feel Second Best by C. Beau

    I’m So Devestated My Wife Prefers My Baby to Me. She Won’t Have Sex With Me, He Shares Her Bed…and I Feel Second Best by C. Beaumont Marriage and parenthood, contrary to the propaganda many of my fellow Conservatives often spew, do not make people more mature, loving, ethical or gody, nor are marriage and … Continue reading "I’m So Devestated My Wife Prefers My Baby to Me. She Won’t Have Sex With Me, He Shares Her Bed…and I Feel Second Best by C. Beaumont"

    Kendra Wilkinson Complains Celebrity Dating App Raya “Won’t Let Me In” Despite Trying For 4 Years

    American television personality Kendra Wilkinson opened up about her struggles trying to get back into the dating world, specifically about Raya, the exclusive dating app, refusing to let her onto the platform. “I’ve been trying to get on Raya for four years now. I swear, they won’t let me in,” Wilkinson shared in an interview during the American Reality Television Awards last Monday (November 18). The 39-year-old shrugged, saying, “It feels like the universe is saying, ‘We’re not ready for you. Dating world, Kendra is not coming in.'” On the other hand, Netizens weren’t so charitable about her plight. “She’s a divorced single mom who used to strip and f— an 80-year-old man publicly,” one reader wrote. “Sorry Kendra, but I don’t think too many people are remotely interested,” another said. Former reality TV star Kendra Wilkinson revealed that she has been on the waitlist for the dating app Raya for four years as she struggles to find love after her divorce Image credits: ImagePressAgency / Vida Press The app in question is Raya, a private, membership-based social network limited primarily for celebrities and high-profile industry individuals. The application only grants entry after a lengthy selection process or by invitation. The former Playboy Mansion resident expressed her frustration about finding a connection beyond casual encounters, confessing to having had “a few flings scattered around LA,” but stating that she’s ready for something more.   View this post on Instagram   A post shared by Kendra Wilkinson (@kendrawilkinson) “Just because I’ve had some fun here and there doesn’t mean they’re anything serious,“ Wilkinson explained. “I need someone who can impress me beyond just the bedroom.” Her comments come in stark contrast to her supposed “celibacy,“ which began shortly after her divorce from former professional football player Hank Baskett in 2018, and coincided with the end of her reality show Kendra on Top. Image credits: Kendra Wilkinson Wilkinson and Baskett married in 2009 and conceived two children: 14-year-old Hank IV and 10-year-old Alijah Mary. The event left Wilkinson “deeply depressed“ after feeling she had lost everything she had built for years in the span of a few months. “I didn’t have fame. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t even know how to be happy,“ she explained to People Magazine in June 2023. Wilkinson said she has “no clue how to date“ and hinted at an unannounced reality TV project centered around her search for love Image credits: Manchester Evening News Navigating the dating world after so many years has been a daunting experience for the former reality TV star. She stated that she has “no clue how to date,” but is open to learning now that she feels her kids are “in a great place.“ Image credits: Kendra Wilkinson According to Page Six, Wilkinson’s dating woes might be more than just passing complaints. They theorized that the 39-year-old might be hinting at an unannounced TV project centered around her search for love. “There are parts of my life people haven’t seen yet — one is dating. No one’s seen me in that space,” she stated. Image credits: Kendra Wilkinson Readers weren’t so excited at the prospect of a TV show centered around Wilkinson’s life, leaving harsh and crude comments that labeled her as “damaged goods” and stated that her ship to fame “has sailed.” The post Kendra Wilkinson Complains Celebrity Dating App Raya “Won’t Let Me In” Despite Trying For 4 Years first appeared on Bored Panda.

    "After mostly avoiding interviews as her campaign began, the vice president will hold several this week, including with Howard S

    A funny subheadline at the NYT — funny because if she's just going on Howard Stern, Stephen Colbert and "The View," Harris is still avoiding interviews. That those are the 3 interviews the NYT names makes it obvious. The headline is "Harris Will Appear in a Whirlwind of Interviews, Most of Them Friendly." Most of them? Who's the unfriendly interviewer she dares to face? I am really appalled by the timidity. She needs to prove she's strong and can stand up for us.  I noticed that article because I went looking for Kamala Harris articles on the front page of the New York Times. You'd think she'd make more news! There's also this Susan Faludi thing at the top of the right hand column, sitting atop a musing about celibacy: So let's stare slack-jawed and cross-eyed at a rose. Mmmm. America's protector, eh? Yeah, that kind of was my question about Kamala Harris when I saw that she dared to speak to Howard Stern, Stephen Colbert and the hosts of "The View." So let's see if Susan Faludi makes the case for KH as a protector. Much of that column is generic: Women have not, traditionally, been regarded as the protector. Some of it is an attack on Trump. Let's skip to something specific about Harris: Strikingly, Ms. Harris is, in fact, a formidable protector. This makes me think I'm about to hear the case for Kamala Harris as a protector. But I'm seeing wrong, because this is what follows. It's ludicrously abstract and windy: Protection comes in two forms: symbolic and practical. The symbolic is performative. Those who crave it don’t actually want effective measures to alleviate a threat. They wish to rage against the threat, and they seek a protector in chief who validates their wrath. For them, war’s the point, not victory — outrage, not outcomes, as victim cultures on both the right and the left amply demonstrate.  Symbolic and practical protection aren’t two means to the same end but rather are at cross-purposes, antithetical. The first nurtures a cause for grievance that the second would instead remedy. A failure to remedy the grievance only fuels the fury that symbolic protection thrives on.... Faludi proceeds to talk, not about Harris, but "recent Republican administrations," notably George W. Bush. I finally get to something about Harris: Ms. Harris isn’t looking to compete on the symbolic field. She’s not playacting a guardian stereotype of either gender. That's what she's not doing. This must be followed by what she is doing: If Mr. Trump embodies the make-believe rescuer, the bombastic redeemer who speaks loudly while carrying a tiny stick, Ms. Harris is his levelheaded, no-nonsense opposite. Her record of public service and her utilitarian policy plans attest to workable fixes to actual dangers instead of the amplification of invented ones. She offers herself up as the calmly common-sensical civic warden.... I get it. Faludi set up the notion that "protection" can be "symbolic" or "practical," conceded that Harris does not operate in the symbolically protective mode, and asserted that she's practical. She's a common-sense, no-nonsense, levelheaded, utilitarian pragmatist. Is she? Maybe she'll demonstrate that to us on on Howard Stern's show or Stephen Colbert or “The View." I doubt it, but I will concede that hiding as much as possible might be evidence of pragmatism.  UPDATE: The headline on the Susan Faludi piece is now "Kamala Harris Is Turning a Trump Tactic on Its Head." I'm not going to reread the column in an effort to understand what "Trump Tactic" is supposedly getting flipped. But I am noticing that the blurry photograph under the headline had registered as an image of Kamala Harris interacting with birds:   I hadn't stopped to let it crystalize into the ordinary thing that it was: Kamala speaking at a microphone. A banality. With birds, it gave off a delightful "Smile and a Song" vibe....

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